There are so many things we want to impart to our children. How do we get it all in? How do we know what is most important?
Read moreParenting lessons from Judges
Same passage. Same Truth. Different application. (I absolutely LOVE how God’s Word is so rich and powerful that it contains layer after layer after layer of treasures for us to dig out and enjoy, don’t you?)
So we’re in that passage from Judges that we looked at last time. ‘ I also will no longer drive out before them any of the nations which Joshua left when he died in order to test Israel by them, whether they will keep the way of the Lord to walk in it as their fathers did, or not. ‘ So the Lord allowed those nations to remain, not driving them out quickly; and He did not give them into the hand of Joshua. Now these are the nations which the Lord left, to test Israel by them (that is, all who had not experienced any of the wars of Canaan; only in order that the generations of the sons of Israel might be taught war, those who had not experienced it formerly) Judges 2:21-3:2
We already unpacked the context and gathered some treasure from this passage in last week’s Wednesday’s Word. If you missed it, just scroll down and check it out. Good foundation for today’s post.
When I pondered these verses, I thought about the situation of Israel. Then I thought about the application of truth to my own life.
But then God showed me more treasures and I dug deeper.
Parenting application.
Probably lots of them but I uncovered a couple.
First, parenting according to the principle of natural consequences.
Just as Israel experienced the consequences of disobedience and learned obedience from the things they suffered, so can I…and so can my kids. Instead of either meting out punishment or, worse, rescuing them every time, we need to let our children feel the pain associated with their actions. For example, letting them feel the pain of falling from that chair you told them not to climb. (Sounds cruel, right?) Or,instead of running that forgotten project up the school for the third time this year, let them get their grade docked….and accept the fallout from that consequence. (Oh, did I mention that oftentimes the parent has to suffer when these consequences ensue? :) In fact, I am pretty sure that avoiding our OWN personal pain is the #1 reason we rescue our kids so much!!) But this is how they will learn to adjust their behavior. Natural consequences. And the earlier we apply this principle in our parenting, the sooner our kids will learn on their own.
The other application that the Holy Spirit whispered to me was the importance of letting my kids learn how to fight. Wait, you say, my kids have that down pat! :) I don’t mean hand to hand combat or arguing with their siblings. I mean the kind of fighting you need to do in order to live a successful life. Hanging in there when things are tough. Battling through disappointment, failure, and rejection. Waging war against the natural tendencies not only to quit but also to cave to negative attitudes, victim-mentalities, and self-centeredness. Fighting to develop traits of responsibility, confidence, and maturity.
How do we learn how to fight like that?
By not having a picture-perfect life.
The bumps and curve balls of life are usually unpleasant but they are the very things that God can use to teach us to fight. The disappointment of not winning that championship. The feelings of rejection when there’s no prom date. The sting from the unfairness of a teacher or coach. The weariness of practicing untold hours and missing out on something fun in order to master that piano piece. The hurt when friends are disloyal. All those things are painful but the can be building blocks upon which God can build perseverance and compassion and confidence and discipline.
If we let Him.
The Spirit whispered to me that I must fight, too - I must fight my tendency to shield my kids from anything unpleasant. To counsel my Mama-Bear heart not to intervene every time I perceive my child has been wronged by someone else.To refrain from thinking that my goal should be to make their lives wrinkle-free.
As a parent, I need to let some “enemies”remain in the land (I don’t mean evil influences or activities! I mean the naturally occurring difficulties of life) so my kids can learn how to wage the war of life victoriously.
All from the book of Judges. Who knew!
Help for the Holidays, part 4
Thanks for hanging in there to get to this part - the ideas! You were so generous to share your ideas with me and now I can pass them on to more people. Thank you!
I hope you find a nugget or two that will help you steward the holidays in such a way as to bless your family. Just a reminder - do not look at these ideas as a "to do list"! Don't let yourself think that to be a "good mom" you need to do them all - or even any of them! Let's keep our eyes on the goal of genuinely joyful holidays, drawing near to Christ and to each other. Family relationships grow through simple (keepable) traditions and time spent together - not in knocking out lots of activities to post on FB!
Some (ok, most!) of these ideas are very simple (intentionally) but a few require some planning and elbow grease. If there are things listed that you like but resources don't allow wise execution of the idea, remember there is always next year. Bless, don't stress.
1. Read the Christmas story. Yes, read the account in Luke of Jesus's birth. Such a simple thing but amazingly easy not to do. Make this a priority - over presents and parties and everything else - read the Christmas story. Maybe even on Thanksgiving - thanking God for His indescribable gift! And again and again in December. The kids might even hear it enough to recite it by Christmas Eve - your own Charlie Brown production!
2. Speaking of Thanksgiving - begin a journal and record each year five things each person present is thankful for. In our family, we enjoy reading the previous years' lists out loud before we eat our Thanksgiving feast. It's a precious record of growing kids, seeing how their lists change from year to year.
3. Another Thanksgiving idea some of you shared is to create a "Thankful Tree". According to your level of energy and/or creativity, you can make a tree from a branch off the wood pile or a poster board on your kitchen wall. Have art supplies nearby so family members can add a daily "I'm thankful for..." leaf and then read them aloud together before your Thanksgiving feast.
4. Other friends shared that they give their kids Christmas PJs on Thanksgiving night as a way to kick off the Advent season. Here are some suggestions for Advent celebrations - http://jenniferfulwiler.com/2010/11/baby-steps-for-celebrating-advent-a-cornucopia-of-ideas/ I especially like the one about setting up a nativity scene and adding a piece of straw to the manger whenever a kind act is observed!
5. Not a "thankful tree" but a Jesse Tree is another idea. Without going into all the details here, I am sharing a link that will explain and guide you through this idea. It is an Advent idea, placing an ornament on a "tree" every day, displaying how Jesus is promised and foretold all the way through Scripture. This is a powerful Gospel message that you can deliver in small doses daily. The ornaments can be simple or elaborate, depending on what suits you. When I have a discipleship group, we end our year together by making these for each gal. I love looking at all the sets I have and how they are a sweet reminder of women who are very important to me! My daughter Katie is hosting a Jesse Tree ornament exchange this year - each woman will make duplicates of one ornament to share and then leave with an entire set - like a cookie swap! Here is a link with more info on that - https://www.dosaygive.com/jesse-tree-ornament-exhange/
6. One of my (most fav :) ) readers shared an idea that helps planning the holidays, involving each family member, and creating sweet memories - she calls it "The Holiday Bucket List". Early in the season, they sit down as a family and make a list of the things they want to be sure they do during the holidays. Each person gets to contribute (and parents get to approve before it goes on the list!) And lest you fear kids will insist on a Disney Christmas cruise, my friend says the things that top her kids' lists are sweet, simple traditions like hot cocoa by the fire, seeing Christmas lights in a certain neighborhood, and reading a book aloud together. Things that remind us that kids enjoy time spent together more than elaborate, stressful events.
7. Several readers said they were intentional about providing opportunities for their children to focus on others during a season that tempts us to be otherwise selfish. One suggestion was a "Good Deeds Bracelet" - I'll let my friend tell you in her own words - ". Last year we gave them each a 100 Good Deeds bracelet. The premise is to "move" a bead every time they do something nice for someone, anyone. It can be any act of kindness..paying for someone's meal, talking to someone who's lonely, etc. The bracelet doesn't force them to be kind but it does remind them. My children are compassionate by nature and I want to encourage that wonderful trait." I love this idea!
8. Another "others-focused" idea came from a friend, well, actually, her Mom. Each year at Thanksgiving, the grandmother gives each child an amount of money...to spend on someone else. When they reconvene at Christmas, they share the stories of how the money was spent,rather invested in someone else! So many sweet things to share - from groceries taken to a man dying of cancer to coffee and donuts distributed to Salvation Army bell-ringers to gifts purchased for children of incarcerated parents with a note of the love of our Heavenly Father for them.
9. Lots of creative ideas for helping our families focus on loving others - one of my favorites that my youngest daughter and I did one year was "RACK's" - Random Acts of Christmas Kindnesses". Here is a link with some ideas that you can adapt for your own family https://www.coffeecupsandcrayons.com/advent-calendar-idea-random-acts-of-christmas-kindness/
10. One of my friends, realizing that so many folks have family too far away and would likely be alone during the holidays, hosts a relaxed Christmas Night party. Everyone brings their leftovers or whatever they want to share and they create an enormous eclectic potluck! At some point during the evening, they have a Birthday Cake for Jesus as well as sharing prayer requests on index cards that my friend saves and prays for throughout the year.
11. Another prayer idea is one my family greatly enjoys. We save our Christmas cards every year and draw one or two out each day to pray for that family. Through the years, our kids have "gotten to know" our friends from other cities from these cards/pictures and our telling their stories as we pray for them. It is so fun to see the kids grow up through the years!
12. Establish a "no gifts" policy (gulp) for a year or two...or three or four... and instead have that money given to missions or your favorite charity. On the years we have done this, I promise we didn't miss the gifts at all.
13. Spread the season out! Instead of cramming all the things you want to do before December 25, let some spill out into the week after Christmas. This slows down the pace and helps with post holiday letdown. We love seeing the Holiday Light displays after Christmas Day (and splurging on hot Krispy Kreme donuts on the ride home!)
14. Not sure what category this fits into but it's a great idea for moms of littles - to encourage sibling love and gift giving, consider having a "Mom store". Purchase lots of small gifts and then let your kids "shop" one at a time for their siblings...with money they have earned doing chores!
Help for the Holidays, part 3
Before we get to the list of ideas (that will come tomorrow), we need to talk resources. Resource management is where we will focus today.
The only unlimited resource available to us is God's grace! And He does some amazing things in us and for us by making that accessible to us but we need to always be reminded that while He is infinite, we are not. His grace, faithfulness, and love are limitless but our time, money, and energy are not. And we will sabotage the very goal we want most for the holidays if we don't manage our limited resources wisely.
Resources of time. Money. Relationships. How we steward these determine not only how our holidays go, but also our very lives.
Time. Often, we behave as though we have unlimited time and we over-commit, cramming too much "fun" into our schedules in hopes of not letting our families miss any opportunity. And what happens - lots of "instagrammable" moments but not much joy or peace. Kids (and adults...) benefit more from JOY than ACTIVITY. We need to focus our energy more on creating an atmosphere of love and joy than on conjuring up an overcrowded calendar. Think BLESS, not STRESS.
We all nod in agreement at this point but when it comes to actually implementing - when we need to turn down a fun event - we often balk. We act as though we fear missing out. Instead of missing a fun event, we miss out on sweet, enjoyable times together. My father-in-law once told me - "The 'good' is the enemy of the 'best' ". That certainly applies here! So let's agree to remind each other that what our families really want is more relaxed, loving family time, the comfort of simple family traditions, and a joyful Mom. Let's tatoo that in indelible ink on our arms and march forward to "BLESS, not STRESS".
Here are some tips to help us"
1. Enlist a friend or spouse to help you say no to the craziness. Before letting something get added to the calendar, if you can't say no, then have someone else evaluate with you as to the merits of adding this to your schedule. I am that serious. Say "NO" to the craziness. BLESS not STRESS
2. Early preparation can help a lot with alleviating time stressors. For example, make the picture for your Christmas card in August instead of December. Photo cards can be ordered this early and even addressed/stamped - just ready to put in the mailbox the day after Thanksgiving. Many many many things can be done way earlier than expected. One longtime friend shared this bold move - because of her job commitments in December, she decided a few years ago to decorate, shop, wrap gifts (AND place under the tree!!) in early November. She doesn't let the Christmas atmosphere detract one bit from her Thanksgiving celebration and it frees her up to enjoy much more of the holiday's events the rest of the season. Another reader shared that she shops for Christmas all year long, armed with her list which she checks off as evidence of what's been bought, and wraps the gifts as soon as she buys them. (Pretty sure I would need another list of where I stashed the stuff....but that's another issue!) Remember, too, that lots and lots of holiday treats and dishes can be made in advance - this is such a great timesaver for me that I utilize this lifehack all year long!
3. Elicit help with your responsibilities. Way too many times, we women work ourselves into an unnecessary state of stress and frenzy. Why do we want to "do it all"? We fool no one but ourselves, we often create an atmosphere of tension, and we are setting out a welcome mat for pride...and destruction. People WANT to help - let's allow them that blessing! If someone else offers to host the feast this year - let them (and make specific offers of how you will assist). If no one offers, do not play the martyr. Go to people directly and ask for help with specific duties - as in, Aunt So&So, would you please bring the dressing this year? Uncle Whatever, I need you to sweep the driveway. Cousins 1,2, 3 - how about you take care of drinks, desserts, and paper products?
Find other ways to obtain help with your to do list - while I love to shop local (and I do it A LOT - just ask the keeper of the purse at my house !), I have found online shopping to be my BFF during the holidays. In fact, a couple of years ago, I was compelled to announce to my family "This year's Christmas is brought to you by AmazonPrime!" And this may cause several of you to cringe and scream "SCROOGE!" but now that our family has grown up and expanded, we utilize Amazon WishLists for each other BIGTIME. The key here is to ASK FOR HELP. Bless...not stress.
4. Entreat the Lord for grace and strength and wisdom. This is seriously the most significant thing we can do (and not just for Holiday Help!). The busier our schedule gets, the more we should insist that time with the Lord is the priority. It's worth getting up earlier, it's worth saying "no" to good things, it's worth everything. Because it changes everything. This is the best way we can equip ourselves to Bless, not Stress.
Money. Spending more than we should can be a result of poor planning, unexpected requirements, or even feeling overcome by the spirit of generous sharing. But the end result is that feeling of guilt or panic come January. The reasons for overspending can be many and I don't have the cure for most of them but I will offer some suggestions that come from readers and from my own experience. Most of all, I will say - good luck! :)
If you feel as though you are spending too much on gifts, it can feel pretty helpless. Holidays are a season of sharing and generous love and no one wants to make someone else feel deprived. Or to come across like Ebeneezer Scrooge before the Ghosts of Christmas appeared! This is an area that pretty much has to be navigated according to your own personal situation but some of these ideas might give you a place to begin...
1. Draw names among extended family. This can often be met with resistance initially but usually winds up being a welcome relief. One reader says that her family picks a theme each year (and adds a spending cap) and that adds great fun to present giving.
2. Have a "contest" to see who can give the present with the greatest % off - with a spending cap. This places the emphasis on lots of fun rather than the pressure of finding the "perfect gift".
3. Give a family gift, rather than several gifts to individual family members. Board games, movie passes, etc are some popular suggestions.
4. Many readers contributed that the adults in the family only get stockings - everyone can add a small gift to each - and presents are reserved for the kids. (Or the other way around - however your family would like it!)
5. Pare down the number of gifts for immediate family. Some folks do three gifts, representing the Wise Men's gifts to Jesus - gold (something significant), frankincense (something spiritual like a devotional book, music, etc) myrrh (something practical like clothes). It's hard to limit yourself to this when it comes to your kids but if you establish this, it becomes a tradition. You can even do 4 gifts of "something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read". Here's a link with some helps https://www.laurengreutman.com/why-my-kids-get-only-3-gifts-during-christmas/
6. Ask grandparents to give "experience gifts" instead of material gifts. One of my friends shared that her folks got her son the gift of golf lessons one year - that was such a great idea that I have borrowed it and shared it all around. Grandparents (generally) want to please both generations so have this conversation with them - I'll bet you'll be glad you did.
7. Speaking of experiences, I love this one. Some families opt out of exchanging gifts among themselves and instead pool their gift resources to go on a shared vacation. This is a really great way to keep bonds strong as families expand and move away.
Relationships.
I doubt that any of us sets out to sabotage relationships ever, but especially not during the holidays. But sometimes, it happens, doesn't it? Misunderstandings happen, feelings get hurt, and breaches occur. Our goal is for the holidays to honor Christ...and that means that relationships are of utmost importance. I've had my share of tears in the midst of the season that's supposed to be jolly...and I expect that I've been the cause of some tears as well, in spite of my best intentions. I am the last person ever to claim I have this stuff all figured out but maybe a thing or two I've learned can help encourage you. It is a bit lengthy but please read this section all the way to the end. Here goes....
1. Where to spend the holidays. My husband gave a newly married husband the best advice ever. This new groom was stressed (translate - he was feeling the pressure between his wife and his Mom!!!!) and he wondered what would be "the right thing" to do for the holidays. My wise hubby said "We've found that if you spend a good amount of time with extended family all throughout the year, being together during the holidays is less of a big deal". We've found that to prove true time and time again. When we lived out of state, we decided not to snatch our kids away from their stockings on Christmas morning just to make it to family dinner at Grandma's. Even though that wasn't the favorite move for some of our relatives, we did it anyway and found that the holidays still happened, the sun still came up, and we still had plenty of time to spend with our loved ones. Another popular suggestion from readers is to alternate spending the holidays with her family/his family. It can be a bit tricky to coordinate as families expand and new members are grafted in, but it is possible for this to be a viable suggestion. One of the ideas that I like the best re where to spend the holidays is choose a day other than when the calendar mandates the celebration to be. I grew up spending the Sunday before Christmas with my Dad's family of ten kids and all their extensions. This was sacred space on our calendar and we all guarded it intensely...as I grew up, I realized how this also graciously allowed all the extended families to spend December 25 with their own immediate members.
2. Manage expectations. Wow, this could be a lifehack for all of life, right? Especially so at holiday time. When it comes to your presence at the table on a certain day, have the appropriate conversations earlier rather than later. Unless absolutely unavoidable (as in you are unexpectedly giving birth on December 25!) let your plans be known as far in advance as possible. Like maybe July! Seriously, manage the expectations of all concerned by communicating clearly, kindly, and early. As far as gifts, managing expectations is crucial. Really. I had a close friend in high school who thought he was getting a car for Christmas. I don't know what led him to expect that (maybe he was in denial or he still believed in Santa Claus, I don't know) but he was genuinely and hurtfully disappointed on Christmas morning. Another acquaintance of mine believed with all her heart that a diamond was to be hers that December. Now, again, I can't speak to what created those expectations but you can well imagine her heartbreak when that familiar little box contained a watch instead of a ring. So, the moral to these stories is manage expectations. Whether it's for a puppy or a Porsche, having those difficult conversations early is far less painful in the long run. All around.
3. I hope you're still reading. This last tip is really important. In fact, it is the key ingredient to all the other suggestions. Without it, we will be helpless in our attempts to make the holidays "Holy Days". Without it, we won't make great memories, build strong ties with others, nor point the way to Christ. Without it, we are in danger of doing great damage. When it comes to gifts or money or where to spend the holidays, this verse is the key. Romans 12:10 says Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.
Meditate for a few minutes on these precepts : devotion to one another, brotherly love, preference in honor. Wow. Those are powerful behaviors.
Think for a second how we can apply them in the context of the holidays. I've seen the absence of them, haven't you? I've seen parents not show preference to adult children by insisting on their presence to keep tradition alive. Several years ago, I witnessed this very scene to a newly married couple and vowed to myself that I would do whatever I could to never place this burden of expectations on my kids. I cried alongside this anxious wife as she desperately tried to please five different sets of grownups...grownups that should have known better.
I've also seen adult children refuse honor to their parents by making (selfish) moves in the name of declaring adult independence. Never am I suggesting slavery to traditions but honor can still be upheld in the breaking. Continuing on that soapbox, adult kids of all stages, the culture we are a part of places less honor on the aging than the Bible teaches us to. Show preference to them with honor. At all times, including the holidays. No need for a rule to follow, just treat your parents and grandparents with honor. Doesn't mean we abdicate our immediate family in order to go to Grandma's house (see previous paragraph) but let honor and love be your guides in how to handle it.
When it comes to gifts, realize that we can view the giving and receiving of gifts with different perspectives. For some people, their significance to another person is wrapped up beneath that bow. For others, gifts are nothing more than a seasonal obligation, in no way representing the value of a relationship. Let's be sensitive to the differing perspectives and purpose to show preference accordingly.
When it's all said and done, the holidays are just days. Days that will come and go. But relationships...they are intended to last forever. Treat them carefully. With devotion. Love. Preference. Honor.
Please.
Happy Holidays!
Help for the Holidays, part 2
Let's start at the very beginning...If we break down the word "holidays" we gain some insight that can help us make the holidays meaningful. "Holi - days"...or "holy days" - In Scripture, God set aside certain days for His people to pause from their regular activities and regard them as "holy" - sacred, significant...days to honor Him, to gain revelation of Him, to tell the next generation of His glory and His faithfulness. These days (often a week at a time - yes!) were full of joy, feasts (yes!), and remembrances of His character.
Even if we aren't celebrating the same days as His people in Old Testament times (although there is good reason to say we should...new blog post idea!), we can take the same approach to the holidays we do celebrate. Instead of just a day when the bank and PO are closed, we can employ the holidays as a time to celebrate our Lord, to point to Christ, to tell the next generation of His glory and faithfulness.
I just heard a collective sigh. On top of an already overwhelmed Holiday -to -do list, you might feel I am burdening you down with extra spiritual requirements. As in, now you need to add an hour long devotion to Thanksgiving dinner, a requisite memorization of the elements of the Passover Meal at Easter, and voice-over of the Christmas story from Luke on constant replay for the month of December?
Nope, not at all!
The next couple of blog posts have some enjoyable - as well as reasonable! - ideas that you might want to choose from to add to your Holiday celebration, some helpful hints truly.
For now, I just want us to let the idea percolate through our hearts. What is God's purpose for the holidays (not just their meaning!)? What are some ways we can tweak our celebrations so as to honor Christ, to point to Him, to remind ourselves and our posterity of His glory and faithfulness? How can we pursue the joy and peace of Christ during these seasons instead of stress, fatigue and dread?
Next two posts have some helpl!