There seems to be practically an epidemic of anxiety and/or depression. And the church is being affected as much as anywhere else. Hoping the next few weeks’ posts can be of some encouragement in the fight against them. Either for you or someone you want to help.
Read moreHurting with Texas
Your heart is probably as heavy as mine. Even if you don’t personally know anyone along the Guadalupe River, you are hurting.
Over the next few days, so many families will have to walk through the frightful valley that every parent recoils from...they will have to bury a child. Every Mama across the whole nation - grieves with them. There are simply no words to convey the depth of this tragedy.
Other families are grieving the losses of a parent, an aunt, a cousin or someone else dear to them. The hole in their hearts is raw and gaping. This is just so so so hard.
Much has been said already (lots of helpful things and, sadly, some very UNhelpful things) and I don’t want to be another clanging cymbal in the cacophony of voices rising to weigh in on this pain. But I didn’t want to NOT say anything, either. To seemingly ignore the unmitigated grief these folks are carrying.
So I will be brief today.
Just a few thoughts that I pray will be helpful as we confront the reality of what our fellow Americans are facing. I wish I had some words that could truly comfort and heal.
Truthfully, I don't think there are any.
But for those of us walking beside the hurting, here's some things I've learned to do...and not to do.
If you happen to have a connection with any of those lost in the flood…
1. Don't say you know how they feel. You don't. Unless you have been exactly where they are (in which case, you probably know not to say this anyway), you do not know how they feel.
2. Don't try to make sense of the tragedy. There isn't any.
3. Don't tell them "time will heal". It won't. The empty place at the dinner table, the absence at Christmas, the birthdays that won't be celebrated - those don't "heal". While it is true that they can and may very well learn to live and love and laugh again some day, right now they don't need an empty promise that time will heal.
4. Don't say "let me know if I can do anything". They won't.
5. Don't tell them what they ought to feel or what they ought to do. That's not up to you.
6. Don't tell them "she's/he’s in a better place". That may be true (if the one that was lost knows Christ, it is definitely true!) but that's not what they are grieving. They are grieving that she isn't in the place of being beside them and never will be again.
7. Don't avoid seeing them because you don't know what to say or do. I have some suggestions.
Here goes:
1. Be there. Yes, it matters if you go. And if you don't. The grieving person knows you can't fix this and they don't expect you to. But being there says you care. Go. That helps.
2. What to say? Just say "I'm sorry and I am hurting with you." Let them see you grieve, cry, and hurt. Shared pain is healing. Hurt with them.
3. What to do? Mow their lawn. Take food. Clean their house. Take their kids to get their haircut (or whatever!!!!). Look around at what needs to be done and just do it. Someone close to the situation will know their needs - ask that person and then just do it.
(I am not advocating taking over all their decisions and controlling their lives but I am saying to take care of what needs to be done so they don't have to do it right now)
4. Do talk about the one that's gone. The ones that are left want to talk about them. They need to know that someone else thinks about them, remembers them, loves them still. A dear neighbor of mine in NC lost her college age son and she shared with me that she loved it when friends would talk about Bryan. She thinks about him every single day and to know that someone else does too is a tremendous comfort.
5. Share a specific memory or significance about the one who is lost. A letter is a great way to do this because it can be read and re-read, treasured forever.
6. Remember their birthday.
7. Make a gift that will honor the person who died. Maybe to their favorite charity. Or a tree that can be planted in their memory. One of my fav things is to give daffodil bulbs - those are my favorite flower and when they bloom, it's a reminder that I love them as well as that their loved one will always be remembered.
8. Give them space. Let them move along at whatever pace they need. It takes divine wisdom to know when to go and when to leave but grief is not an orchestrated dance. It's more like a staccato rhythm and if we want to help, we have to be sensitive enough to realize there will be different needs at different times. Adjust.
9. Don't compromise Truth but be content that it doesn't have to be absorbed all at once or on any particular schedule. In God's time, there will be appropriate ways to comfort them with the Truth that we don't grieve as those without hope. In other words, it's really OK for them to feel angry sometimes. Let them process. Let them grieve. God doesn't reject our emotions. Read the Psalms if you doubt what I say.
10. Just LOVE. Love wins. Love heals. Love never fails. If you are at a loss for what to say or do from time to time, that's OK. Just love them.
But for most of us, we don’t have a personal connection to those folks. And yet, our hearts are heavy and we feel a need to process the pain, to help in some way…to reflect on what has happened in a meaningful way.
What are we to do? Just a few thoughts…
GIVE. A few resources that I like are Samaritans Purse, Salvation Army (Texas), Camp Mystic Flood Relief Fund, Southern Baptist Texas Disaster Relief
PRAY. Sounds like a glib answer, doesn’t it? Well, it doesn’t have to be. In times we feel so helpless, we realize that we truly are (all the time!) and we can call on the only One Who can help. Don’t let this burden slip away - keep praying. These folks are gonna need His help forever.
THINK. Tragedies are faith-shakers. They cause us to question and struggle and wonder. This one certainly does. Maybe we don’t dare to say it aloud but deep down we ask “Why”. Why some folks and not others. WHY THE CHILDREN!!! WHY? Those of us who know God KNOW that He could have stopped this flood. He could have performed 100% dramatic rescues that would have glorified His Name and soothed all our hearts. We know He possesses all power and we know He is good and compassionate. So why didn’t He answer “yes” to every prayer asking for a safe rescue of every person? I DO NOT KNOW. And I reject the pat answers that are labeling this as some sort of judgment, or His anger, or political failure. This is, plain and simple - SUFFERING. Even though His Word tells us that we will experience pain and suffering as long as we live in this broken world, we are usually surprised when it happens. But rest assured - God was not surprised when those waters rose. And He was not joyful when those people were engulfed in fear and swept away. I don’t know a lot of answers but I will cling to what I DO know - He was WITH THEM. He was present and active and compassionate and comforting. I believe He held them, comforted them, and welcomed them home. He is continuing to weep with every remaining family member even now. This tragedy has not altered His goodness nor His faithfulness and ONE DAY, it will all be made right. ONE DAY, the tears will be wiped away. The hurts will be healed. And He is working right now to redeem this awful pain for His eternal purpose. In the short term, we recoil from the things that hurt us and it is totally fine to ask “why” and to grieve and even to question. But we must land on the Solid Rock of what we know to be true. We may mourn now but we can wrap ourselves in the comfort that it will not be forever. We serve the only true God and He is mighty and He is good and He is love. If we are His, then we belong to a Kingdom that cannot be shaken…or swept away in floodwaters.
Let us land on the Rock of Ages. Let us lift our tear stained faces to the One worthy of our praise. Let us trust that His grace is somehow, miraculously, incredibly sufficient. And let us pray that we can be His hands and feet to our brothers and sisters in Texas.
To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen.
Finishing well
I have learned something about myself.
I am better at starting than finishing.
Lots of ideas generate in my head. I get excited about them, passionate even. I plan and usually begin to execute.
Then I fade. I get discouraged or uninterested or distracted. Or just plain lazy.
And too many times I abandon the project/goal/new idea.
Sometimes, though, I press on. Slogging away to be a finisher and not a quitter. Often I experience renewed enthusiasm but much of the time, I am just glad when I have completed the task.
As I pondered this insight into my psyche ( LOL), i thought about how much Scripture talks about finishing well. Seems like way more emphasis is placed on finishing instead of exciting beginnings. There are plenty more verses than these below but here are some that caught my attention:
Acts 20:24
But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.
Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
2 John 1:8
Watch yourselves, so that you may not lose what we have worked for, but may win a full reward.
God tells us that HE is faithful to finish what He starts! Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
And my current favorite: Ecclesiastes 7:8 Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
So what are we to do with all this? Maybe it’s just me but if you need some focus, too, here is where I am landing -
Finishing matters. It’s a matter of faithfulness and it matters. Starting is great (so very thankful for the visionaries and the dreamers) but finishing is what ultimately matters. Maybe for lots of reasons but one of the main ones has to be because it models the faithfulness of God. He finishes what He starts. He is faithful to do all He has promised. He doesn’t just get excited and have a great idea - HE FINISHES.
So I need to, too.
Where is the key to finishing? First, acknowledging that it is important. That it matters. Next, looking to HIS faithfulness and desiring to model it. Such a great reminder to set before my eyes - HIS faithfulness! So encouraging, so motivating, so very helpful.
Last key I see is found in that passage in Ecclesiastes. The end is better than the beginning. Better to be patient than proud. Patient. Not proud. What is that telling me? That finishing requires humility. Perseverance is not something that will come naturally. Finishing well will not be a result of my human effort; God is not looking for me to grit my teeth to get through. Rather, what He requires is for me to acknowledge not only the importance of finishing well but especially my inability to do so in my flesh. I NEED HIM. He seems to be saying in this verse that He wants us to look to Him, to wait for Him, to depend on Him. And His grace will see us through….HE will complete what He has begun!
What blinds us?
This week’s reading includes a verse that also showed up when we read Obadiah. Its message bears repeating…
Read moreCriticism
I was blessed to grow up in a home where criticism was not part of our vernacular. We simply did not criticize. Or complain. Not even when it was "merited". How my parents achieved that, I do not know!
I became a quick learner, though, let me assure you. On my own, I managed to master the art, even falling prey to the idea that criticism was "helpful" to others. How would they ever change their ways, I reasoned, unless I told them where they were wrong? This "skill" grows exponentially when practiced even a bit, I soon learned. The more I criticized, the more things I saw that "needed" criticizing. Once put into motion, criticism can quickly become a way of life, a lens through which all persons and activities are filtered.
A lens which turns toxic. Towards those on the receiving end. But also on the viewer. A critical spirit is difficult to live with as well as to house inside one's own soul.
One day I stumbled on a verse. James 4:11. Pretty simple. It says Do not speak against another.
We can try and "adjust" it to say something else but it translates very clearly -- do not criticize. The verse doesn't have parentheses to include exceptions for poor service or irritating people or trampled rights. It just says not to criticize. I decided I needed to change. It's hard going sometimes but by God's grace, I am learning not to criticize. It's hard to balance times of needed parental correction against criticism. I am constantly in need of wisdom.
Sometimes these blog posts are hard to write. I often falter. I don't get it right. A lot. But I want to share my journey with you. In hopes that you will find some grace and encouragement alongside me.
Take, for instance, today.
I received some really awful customer service today. And with my past corporate background, I am tuned in to know that customer service is an important aspect of training and expectations. When I don't get it, I am disappointed. Today, I was disappointed and then some. After all, I had been a loyal customer of this business for many years. I had given this place a bunch of money. And I was treated poorly by an employee that clearly didn't give a rip. I was tempted to post something on FB just to vent. So that other people could take my side, weigh in, maybe even share their own lousy experiences at this place. Then I decided I'd do the more mature thing and complain to the home office. In fact, I concluded, it was the right thing to do. After all, this place had their website posted and invited customers to contact them so they could provide better service. Yep, I would be doing them a favor.
I pulled up their site, clicked on "customer service" and started my email. I would be polite, but firm. Just state the facts. And convey the error of their ways. My words poured out.
Then that verse above came to mind. And one in the next chapter of James - vs. 9 Do not complain, brethren, against one another.
I chatted with myself for a couple of minutes. Wouldn't it be helpful to let the higher ups know what a terrible experience I had today? I had already realized it wouldn't be right to vent on FB, where readers were neither part of the problem nor part of the solution but couldn't I at least complain to, I mean, share with, the home office? This would be helpful..........I was justified......It's the truth......
Heart check. What did I want as resolution? Did I really want this to help those employees to become better people? Or did I hope, even just a little bit, that somebody would get in hot water for what they did? Did I even hope that I would benefit in some way, a discount or freebie or even just an accolade?
I am not saying there is never a time to report bad service. Or to share an unfortunate experience. I do suggest a heart check first. And a prayer for wisdom. And a longing to err on the side of being TOO UNcritical and UNcomplaining.
I didn't send the email.
And I won't tell you who the company was. :)