Three things happened to me recently and I eventually saw the connection…and the contrast. Let me share the unrelated events and then perhaps extrapolate some truth…
The first one is not actually an isolated event but rather is repeated amongst my friend groups often. At least among the friends in my same season. “How can I parent well at this stage” we often discuss, sharing concerns, tossing ideas back and forth, pondering long how we can serve our grown up kids now that they are grown and flown. The topic weighs pretty heavy on us, to be honest. We all want to adjust to our evolving role in their lives and to meet the needs they have now. We truly want to bless not burden and to minister not mess up. Sometimes we feel like we succeed, and sometimes we feel like we fail. The hardest part is feeling like our kids think we failed in the past – while we can make amends for missteps now, it seems that the supposed failures of parenting past are irredeemable.
The second event was a discussion with a friend who is in the throes of parenting littles. We were discussing how grandparents can play a vital role in the spiritual lives of children and I was all ears. This is of vital importance to me and I wanted to hear from the front lines. I was sharing about praying for grands, spending time with them, etc. This parent responded – “well, the most important role of grandparents is to provide FREE childcare. We just want a babysitter that we don’t have to pay for.” GULP While I can certainly appreciate the blessing of available grandparents (since we lived far away from that for most of my kids’ lives), I was a bit taken aback. To be frank, this came across as presumptuous. And shortsighted. Especially since I am acquainted with the grandparents in this scenario and realize what a godly heritage these kids have. I didn’t ask this but I wondered if “free childcare” was so important that an offer to pay for a sitter would have served the purpose just as well. I don’t know. I didn’t ask . But I thought a long time about the godly influence these forfeiting. And my heart hurt just wondering if those parents felt used and discarded. Ugh.
The last event to share was a first for me. A young woman in her late 20’s asked me a question that almost brought me to tears. She wanted to know how she could encourage and show appreciation to her mom in this empty nest season for her parents. I have been asked literally hundreds of times for ideas on being a good mom but never never never have I been asked for my suggestions on what it could look like to be a good daughter. I was so moved I was fighting back tears. What a precious heart! (And I am 100% convinced that the heart seeking the answer to this is ALREADY a great daughter!)
As I later pondered this young woman’s question, my mind recalled the other conversations and I was struck by the connection…and the contrast. I didn’t come to any conclusions. I don’t really have any exhortations to share. But thoughts percolated through my heart for quite some time. Conversations from other friends in my season came to mind – situations where the grown kids are very far from having the heart of this young woman. Hearts that hold onto hurt and bitterness from their years at home. And, lest I seem to be dismissive of the hurts that parents can and do inflict on their children, I am going out on a limb here and saying something no one seems to be saying. And that’s that children have inflicted hurts upon their parents as well. As much as I advocate for parents to search their hearts and seek forgiveness from their kids for hurts and neglect either willingly or unintentionally caused, I think there is much room for adult kids to search their own hearts as well. Perhaps time has served to cloud or distort memories and maybe, just maybe, things didn’t go the way recollections suggest. Perhaps even consider that those defiant attitudes and rebellious deeds and cold-hearted spurns caused deep hurts to the parents…and therefore need to be acknowledged and confessed. Could it even be that some of the angst of current generations has to do with holding onto hurts and not acknowledging the ones that can be laid at their feet? Maybe? Let me pause here and say that, while there may be exceptions, I do not know of any parent who holds onto the hurt caused by a child growing up. Every parent I know has laid it aside, chalked it up to immaturity, gladly forgiven and seeks hopefully a great present day relationship, regardless of the pain of the past. Parents seem to be the ones that pursue this, take ownership, and often assume blame for fractures that often are not their fault. I am aware of so many precious, wonderful parents who are crushed by the unforgiveness (for some real and some imagined offenses) of the people they hold most dear in the world – their children.
This is such a difficult topic. I know that some have experienced real trauma growing up. And that breaks my heart. There are certainly some situations where parents have wronged their children and they should seek forgiveness. But I wonder increasingly if the accuser of the brethren has deceived some folks into erecting walls of bitterness that might actually be misplaced. Again, this is such a difficult topic. While there are sure to be exceptions, most parents of growns don’t want to insist on honor or love or a meaningful relationship. There is no desire to add to the demands our grown kids already have on their plate. I am sure there are missteps that happen unintentionally but when the goal is a mutually healthy relationship, surely there can be shared responsibility. For the good of all generations.
Three different scenes. Three different experiences of navigating adult family relationships. Not sure where this post should land but perhaps suffice it to say that the mentality of the young woman in the last example seems to me to be the most Christlike example of obeying God’s command to “honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the earth”. Maybe that’s been at least one key to the contentment and joy and spiritual prosperity her life now manifests.
