That is the main thing I want to say. I’m sorry. So if you are tired of reading all the op eds out there and all the social media posts, then you can get the gist of what this one is about - I am sorry.
If, however, you want to read more, if you want to know what I am sorry for and who I wish to express that to, here goes….
A few years into marriage, my husband and I discovered a great truth. It has been helpful in every area of my life. It’s very simple, really, but we have found it profound.
Saying I’m sorry always helps. Doing nothing hardly ever does.
I have not said much publicly to share my thoughts on the pain of the world these days. Mostly because I don’t want to say things that can cause greater pain because of misunderstanding or unmet expectations. I don’t want to be the fool that “answers a matter before hearing”. I have tried to pursue truth but have realized that I actually don’t have access to much of that. I see wounds on so many different fronts and I just feel helpless. I have felt that way for days. Maybe you have, too. But a couple of days ago, I went to the grocery store (my life motto is “food is always a good thing”) and I was praying (ok, crying) as I went. I wanted to know what to do to help but I just didn’t know what. I had already reached out to some friends who have been personally wounded by current events and the ensuing fallout, not with anything helpful but just to say I care. I had prayed with desperation (continuing to do so - always the best idea, just not the only one) and I was being purposefully friendly to as many strangers as I could get to engage. Pretty paltry, I know. As I walked to the store entrance, there was a young female store employee that I felt was likely affected by the state of the world today. Normally, I would have just smiled, said how are you , and taken a grocery cart and gone on in to get my milk and eggs. But this time I did something different. I walked over to her, smiling as widely as my face would allow(even pulled my mask down so she could see I was well-intentioned). And I stumbled out something like “Hi. I don’t know if this is even appropriate but I just wanted to say something. I am sorry. Some people with my color skin have not treated people with your color skin right for a long time and I just want to tell you that I am really sorry. I am sure you have been hurt and I am sorry.”
Y’all.
We had a moment. Right there on the sidewalk.
She pulled her mask down and smiled and said, “it’s ok”. And I said, “no, no, it’s really not and I am so sorry”. She then reached out to hug me and I wrapped my arms around her and we stood there in front of Aldi, just crying.. Both of us in a tight embrace. Crying. I thanked her for being gracious, asked her to forgive me, and finally let her get back to work.
Why do I tell you this? I debated long about sharing it. Because it can too easily come across self-righteous, like I think I did something good. It might seem like I want praise for doing it and I don’t. But I finally decided to risk it because I think God gave me a message to share.
Saying I’m sorry always helps. Doing nothing hardly ever does.
There are a lot of people I need to say it to.
To people of different ethnicities. I am sorry that for so long, I thought my friends and my experiences were the norm. I didn’t know that people still treat others wrongly, still express contempt and even hatred, because of where they were born or the color of their skin. I realize now how blind and stupid I have been and I am sorry.
To families of law enforcement. I am sorry that I have taken for granted how wrongly you are treated because some people with a badge abuse the power. And that I have been blind at the fear you live with, wondering if today could be the end of watch for your loved one. I am sorry that I have taken for granted that you defend my life with yours. I am sorry and thank you.
To my children. I am sorry that I was not nearly intentional enough to raise you to not only not be racist but also to be anti-racism. How grateful to God I am that He accomplished this in each of you anyway.
To my friends who have different color skin or have children with different color skin. I am sorry I have been so unaware of the things you have to consider that never even cross my mind. Thank you for being my friend anyway.
To my friends who have been wrongly accused of racism or hatred. I am sorry. I know those flames come from hearts that have been wronged as well but I also know that does great damage and I am sorry.
To those who are hurting. I am sorry. I want to listen and help. I don’t think any of us will ever understand anyone else’s perspective completely but I do not think we have to. In fact, that lack of shared experience is sometimes used a wedge between us and I implore us all to stop saying “but you don’t understand”. We do not have to understand in order to accept. In order to respect. In order to esteem one another. We can start realizing that we can only evaluate actions -we cannot judge hearts or motives.
To Jesus. I am sorry. I don’t know what You would have me do next, but I am sorry for being self-absorbed and blind and ineffective. I am listening.
So,while I don’t think we have to expect to completely understand, I do think we need to listen. So that we can accept and respect and esteem one another. There are a lot of hurting people all around us right now. Maybe it would help ease their pain, even if just a bit, if we care enough to say I’m sorry. And then listen.