The post from July 15 generated so much encouraging feedback, so many off-blog conversations. Good stuff. Thank you for that. Defining moments -seems like lots of you have experienced them, too. I am grateful for your sharing.
If you didn’t catch that post, you can read it here. https://www.suzannechambers.net/livingletters4/2015/03/defining-moments.html
Those subsequent conversations propelled this post. Your questions about how I turned that “defining” moment into a “directing” moment. I’ve pondered it long and want to share those thoughts here. Let’s dissect those defining moments….
When I let that hurtful experience define me, I had a hard time seeing what I was doing. I let myself be blinded by the opinions of others and that drove my behavior. And it was not a pretty drive. In my pain, I felt rejected, cast aside, and this view of myself of course affected not only how I acted but also how I viewed others. Eventually, I was able to see that moments such as my experience do not have to define us but rather should direct us to Christ.
What got me to that place? And how would I counsel someone else to “dissect” their “moments” and move them from “defining” to “directing”?
Here’s what I got…
The first thing necessary for that move was that I didn’t like the place I had spiraled into. The place of self-protection might have felt safe but it was lonely and numb. I wanted more than that. So I asked God what I needed to do to get out of that place.
He gave me lots of stuff to do! Not all at once and I don’t know that the following order is necessary for victory; He gave them to me over time and in quiet moments of solitude but I’ll give them to you in bullet points, just for ease of reading!
He helped me see and embrace and be grateful for the truth that He purposed “my moment” for good. Although my pain was handed to me through “friends”, I had to see that it had been filtered through His loving and sovereign hands for His divine purpose. I needed to accept that Romans 8:28 (And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose) included “my moment”. That, my friends, changes everything.
Forgiveness. Mark 11:25 says And whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in Heaven may forgive your transgressions. It’s quite clear, isn’t it? “ANYthing against ANYone. Quite clear and quite comprehensive. I needed to forgive my offenders. It helped me immensely to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was OK. It most certainly was not. That not only would have been a lie,it would also have trivialized my pain. And that would not have led to healing. Forgiveness, instead, is saying “you owe me a debt but I will not require you to pay it.” “You may be as wrong as wrong can be but I will not be your judge” “ Even if you never ever ever admit you are wrong.” That, my friends, is just plain hard. Apart from the all-sufficient grace of God, I am not able to do that. But because of the grace of God at work within me, I can. I got to the place of forgiveness by praying for my offenders. At first, I wanted to pray that God would get them! But instead, He enabled me to pray that He would bless them. And eventually, my teeth weren’t even clenched when I asked His blessing on them LOL!!! Over time, He moved me from asking Him to bless them to asking for ways (and grace!!!) that I could be a blessing to them. That, my friends, is just plain supernatural!
As my heart began to change - and to move from numbness to feeling again - He led me into a place I had certainly not anticipated. He showed me how I got into the mess to begin with! How like God! I thought we would just chalk this up to “one for experience” and move on. I thought I would just be thankful and happy for having survived it and having moved out of the pit…but He wanted to show me how not to get there again. And to do that,He had to show me what set me up to begin with. Now, to be clear, I do not believe He was telling me that this pain was my fault nor that I deserved it nor even that my friends were not culpable for what they did. No, that was their responsibility. But my reaction to it and my vulnerability to it in the first place were all mine. So points 1 and 2 were learning to react in the way that leads to victory but now I was to learn how to avoid defeat from the beginning. And that had to do with my heart. Why was I so susceptible to their rejection? Why did being excluded hurt so badly? Because I valued their favor more than God’s! I was seeking their favor and acceptance more than His (Galatians 1:10). It may sound dramatic, but Scripture is clear, when we give more value to anyone or anything above God, that becomes our idol. And I didn’t realize I had done that until it was taken away and I was crushed. If I had not placed undue importance on those relationships, being cast aside by them would not have caused me such pain. No one but God is worthy of that esteem. Love people, yes. Value them above God - a resounding NO! That, my friends, is incredibly freeing.
Self-protection is not “safe” - it is selfish. In my attempt to numb my pain, I numbed my heart. I distanced myself from others because I feared they, too, would hurt me. I tried to defend that posture by telling myself I was not letting others become idols but really I was not willing to love sacrificially. Because love, real love,risks being hurt. Love does not seek its own, but rather the highest good of another. If I want to be like Jesus, I must love like He does. And that means I am willing to be wronged, to be mistreated, to be hurt. That, my friends, requires a constant connection to Him!
So, do I never struggle with residual feelings of fear of rejection or a tendency to hold people at arm’s length or a desire to be included rather than excluded? Nope, from time to time those ghosts reappear and I must confront them again. But when they do, I am able to speak the truth to myself quickly. My default reaction is not the same as when I allowed “my moment” to define me. I am much more prone to let “moments” direct, rather than define, me.
Maybe this can be of help to someone else. <3
That, my friends, is why I blog!