Sometimes our sadness can be the result of some sin that separates us from the source of joy. So we can confess it and have our Joy restored. Sometimes, though, our lack of joy is a "systems error". We feel discouraged or disheartened or disturbed because we have an insurmountable "to do " list.
Tactic #5-
Establish systems that lead to success.
In other words, if your family frequently gets frustrated because they have no clean clothes to wear, then you have a systems problem. Figure out how to fix it.
If you feel stressed repeatedly ("stress" is the antithesis of "joy") because it's almost dinnertime and you're not prepared to feed your crew, then you have a systems problem. Check your priorities.
If your daily routine is anything but routine, then you have a systems problem. It needs to be repaired.
If the numbers on the scale or on the receipt of the ATM transaction cause you to be distressed, then you need to address the appropriate system.
Sometimes the path to joy is systematic. :)
How to be happy, part 3
To summarize, some tactics to use against a lack of joy:
1. Check to be sure you are healthy and rested.
2. Embrace the truth that we ARE to rejoice - therefore, seek to be happy in the right way.
3. Don't blame others if you aren't happy.
4. This one isn't going to win me any friends, but, here goes. Confess sin. Yep, confess sin. That probably doesn't sit too well with you if you are in the pits of despair. Might make you feel worse, in fact. So why do I include it? Because it's necessary for us to examine ourselves and see what wrong resides within us. Notice I didn't say "if". Why am I presuming there is sin present just because we are depressed? Because there usually is! If nothing else, there's probably a shred or two of self-pity over our sadness......
Psalm 32:3,4 says "when I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away. Through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer".
Sounds like lack of joy and lack of confession are connected to me.
Pathway to joy - ask the Lord to reveal anything between us and Him....anything between us and somebody else. When He does, confess it. Where necessary, make things right with others. Then accept His forgiveness.
How to be happy, part 2
So, after I take care to be sure I get in bed early and have adequate exercise, etc, what do I do if the sadness persists? I am no counselor but I have found some things that are helpful. Other than considering the physical aspect of "the blues", I go through a list of strategies and apply them.
2. Embrace the truth that, as Christians, we are commanded to rejoice. In the Lord. This means we are to be happy! So we need to learn how to do just that. It helps me to understand that this desire to be happy is really a longing for Christ. In His presence is fullness of joy. So I must realize that if I am experiencing despair or despondency, I must accept responsibility for it and do what it takes to be obedient to His command. While I don't think this means we are to expect a circus euphoria perpetually nor does it mean we should be deceitful to ourselves or to others when we feel this lack of joy, I do think that we need to take seriously the need to find our joy in Him.
That said, what are some ways to accomplish this?
3. Stop blaming others and stop looking to others to "fix things" so we can be happy. This is alot easier to type than to practice. It is very natural to feel that some of our lack of joy is a result of the actions (or inactions) of others. This may be initially true but it blaming others serves only to prevent our reaching the goal line of happiness. It is probably the biggest block, in fact. Expecting others to take responsibility for our joy is immature and ineffective. In short - it just won't work. Ultimately, it short circuits not only the relationships where we place the blame, but most other relationships as well. After we pass about age 3, other people just won't accept the burden of making sure we achieve our goal of joy. That obligation takes a dramatic shift towards ourselves. And the sooner we accept that, the happier we - and they - will be.
I just want to be happy!
How many times have we heard that heartcry - from friends and family....and from the depths of our own soul! Most of the time, I consider myself a happy person. I love life and people and it makes me happy just to "be". Sometimes I find myself just grinning wildly -- for no apparent reason.
But other times, I don't feel that joy. I want to, but it eludes me. What I feel instead is a need to get to the shower and have a long, deep cry. Sometimes my schedule affords that luxury and oftentimes the weeping is cathartic. Getting those sad emotions out makes room for happy ones. Other times, though, there is no opportunity to escape to solitude and cry it out. And, sometimes, even when I can make it to the shower alone and sob, the release of emotion does not erase the despondency. It seems to fuel it instead.
I have discovered through the years that I am neither insane nor alone in my fight for joy. From talking with my friends to reading the stories of some giants in the faith to digging into the Psalms, I find that most everybody has to do this same battle. Some find more victory than others. Over the next few posts, I will share some things that I have found helpful, in case you find yourself waging war against melancholy moods.
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First of all, check out the physical. We must always remember that we are made up of a soul, a spirit, and a body. And the three are interconnected. Sickness and especially fatigue take their toll not only on our bodies but also our souls (which are our minds, emotions, and our will) and our spirits. When we were in the "little ones = little sleep" stages, my husband coined a phrase -- "sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap". Amen. I have a tendency to assume I have superhuman capabilities and can therefore defy the laws of nature that govern sleep and productivity. In other words, I often push myself too far beyond my physical...and emotional...capacity. So, when I find myself pushing back tears and wanting to be by myself, I have learned to first ask - am I tired? Do I need to adjust my schedule and get some rest? Now, I can hear some of you saying - "that would be nice but I can't. I have too much to do". Yeah, been there. Said that. And got convicted. None of us has too much to do if we do what God has called us to. Where we get into trouble is when we start doing things God hasn't called us to do. I don't need to make a list for you - the Holy Spirit will do that on His own. Just ask Him.
The Loneliness Epidemic - part 2
Last post we began looking at the problem of loneliness, actually the epidemic. This issue is indeed pervasive but we only have to look inside our own hearts to see how painful it is. In spite of more ways than ever to connect with other people, individuals seem to feel less and less so.
We looked at some things that contribute to the problem: maybe it's more that we are just more willing than ever before to admit it but studies reveal that the loneliness problem is steadily worsening. Things such as busy lives, transience of people, technology, social media and perhaps even unrealistic expectations have helped to create a culture where everybody is together but feeling alone.
It's not enough to examine the problem - I want us to offer some help.
And that's exactly what I got when I solicited input from you all. What follows are some suggestions from readers, from my own experience, and from some "experts" (which probably just means "folks that get paid to offer advice"!)
Let's begin with this - God designed us for relationship.
Relationship with Him, first of all, but also with one another. It is good and wise and desirable that we experience "community" with others. One of my favorite New Testament words describes this very thing: "koinonia"- fellowship, sharing, participating together. It's God's gift to His people, an avenue of blessing us...and of transforming us.
SO, while it is right to desire and to pursue relationship with others, there are some things to keep in mind. Hopefully these tips will help us combat the problem of loneliness not only in our own lives but also in the lives of others. Read on...
1. Guard against unrealistic expectations. No one human can meet all the emotional needs of another. Not even a spouse! (That doesn't mean we need more than one spouse !!!) Sometimes loneliness sets in because we expect more from people than they are equipped to give - that leaves us disappointed and sad. Look to God as the primary filler of your soul, the foremost source of joy and the only constant comfort. Only after He is in His rightful place in our lives, are we suited to look to others to fill our relational cup. One reader shared that loneliness comes when we are looking for worldly acceptance. Great point. Don't expect the world to meet our need to be accepted and known. Not only should we be careful not to hope that ordinary humans can meet our DIVINE needs, we should also not place all our human needs on the back of just one person. It's healthy to have 2-3 close friends, not just one. (Even if hubby is your BFF like mine is, don't expect him to think, react, and understand like a girl - we need good girlfriends in our lives!)
2. On that same note, think of friendships as flowers - some will be annuals and some will be perennials but all can serve to bring beauty to our lives. Accept that not every relationship will last as long as you want it to. For a variety of reasons, things change. Some people are in our lives forever and that is a great blessing. Others, though, are only there for a season. Those can still be beautiful blessings, too! It's not only daffodils and roses that enhance our yards so let's not allow fear of disappointment prevent us from experiencing some of those beautiful marigolds and zinnias!!
3. Speak out loud the words "I am lonely" or sad or anxious, etc. One reader shared how powerful it is to voice these words, particularly to another person, but even just aloud to the air. This serves to diffuse the undesirable state of your soul. I did a little research on the subject and some experts say that verbalizing the emotions actually release chemicals that dissipate the negative feelings. So it's not merely a psychological impact but actually a physiological one as well! I think maybe it has a connection to the humility principle - when we are willing to admit our need, God rushes to our aid, opposing the proud (those unwilling to admit need) but giving grace to the humble!
4. Take regular (and prolonged) breaks from social media. We established in the last post how social media can contribute to the loneliness epidemic - it creates a false sense of reality, it compounds the problem of comparison, and it prevents authentic human connection. SO take a break from it! At least a day a week. And maybe every so often, take off a month or two...or three... This is not only healthy for us as adults but it is a critical example for our kids. Get off Facebook for a while!
5.Wives - encourage your hubby to pursue male friendships! He needs this desperately but oftentimes good husbands are hesitant to take time away from family to do guy stuff. Because they feel guilty. Do not require/demand his constant attention and availability. Let him feel free and affirmed to not be home helping you! This will actually help you more in the long run. Let your man be a man, not a "male girlfriend". (And if you are reading this and rolling your eyes because you have a hubby who is "always" gone, take this up with the Only One who can bring about change. In the meantime, read the article mentioned in the last post about men and friendships and rest assured that you are contributing to your hubby's good health!)
6. Meet the needs of others. When those feelings of loneliness begin to overtake you, remind yourself that you are not the only one. Somebody else is feeling lonely too. You can solve two problems with one action if you reach out to someone else. Visit a widow. Or a nursing home. Take a meal to a mom with several littles (this probably will earn you a friend for a lifetime!). Ask God to open your eyes and your heart to someone else and watch what He does for you!
7. Don't waste your loneliness. Believe it or not, being lonely can bring about some good things. In the relational desert of loneliness, we can find the deepest intimacy with our Father. Being still - and alone - is the way we can get to know Him.Immerse yourself in His Word , especially the Psalms. There are such treasures in there, such comfort and healing and wisdom. It is very encouraging to learn that spiritual giants of the Old Testament wrestled with loneliness! And in the Psalms, we see how they leaned into God as their refuge. We can learn to do that, too He can use our loneliness as a catalyst for transformation in our lives, developing depth and wisdom and tearing us away from self-centered living. If you are battling loneliness, let it be God's instrument for good. In our lives and into the lives of others.
8. Ask God. More than one reader testified to the willingness and ability of God to supply what we need. In everything...including the need for a friend. Ask Him to send you a friend...and to send you to be one to someone else.
If you have more suggestions to add, I'd love to hear from you. Let’s fight this epidemic one heart at a time!