To summarize, some tactics to use against a lack of joy:
1. Check to be sure you are healthy and rested.
2. Embrace the truth that we ARE to rejoice - therefore, seek to be happy in the right way.
3. Don't blame others if you aren't happy.
4. This one isn't going to win me any friends, but, here goes. Confess sin. Yep, confess sin. That probably doesn't sit too well with you if you are in the pits of despair. Might make you feel worse, in fact. So why do I include it? Because it's necessary for us to examine ourselves and see what wrong resides within us. Notice I didn't say "if". Why am I presuming there is sin present just because we are depressed? Because there usually is! If nothing else, there's probably a shred or two of self-pity over our sadness......
Psalm 32:3,4 says "when I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away. Through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer".
Sounds like lack of joy and lack of confession are connected to me.
Pathway to joy - ask the Lord to reveal anything between us and Him....anything between us and somebody else. When He does, confess it. Where necessary, make things right with others. Then accept His forgiveness.
How to be happy, part 2
So, after I take care to be sure I get in bed early and have adequate exercise, etc, what do I do if the sadness persists? I am no counselor but I have found some things that are helpful. Other than considering the physical aspect of "the blues", I go through a list of strategies and apply them.
2. Embrace the truth that, as Christians, we are commanded to rejoice. In the Lord. This means we are to be happy! So we need to learn how to do just that. It helps me to understand that this desire to be happy is really a longing for Christ. In His presence is fullness of joy. So I must realize that if I am experiencing despair or despondency, I must accept responsibility for it and do what it takes to be obedient to His command. While I don't think this means we are to expect a circus euphoria perpetually nor does it mean we should be deceitful to ourselves or to others when we feel this lack of joy, I do think that we need to take seriously the need to find our joy in Him.
That said, what are some ways to accomplish this?
3. Stop blaming others and stop looking to others to "fix things" so we can be happy. This is alot easier to type than to practice. It is very natural to feel that some of our lack of joy is a result of the actions (or inactions) of others. This may be initially true but it blaming others serves only to prevent our reaching the goal line of happiness. It is probably the biggest block, in fact. Expecting others to take responsibility for our joy is immature and ineffective. In short - it just won't work. Ultimately, it short circuits not only the relationships where we place the blame, but most other relationships as well. After we pass about age 3, other people just won't accept the burden of making sure we achieve our goal of joy. That obligation takes a dramatic shift towards ourselves. And the sooner we accept that, the happier we - and they - will be.
I just want to be happy!
How many times have we heard that heartcry - from friends and family....and from the depths of our own soul! Most of the time, I consider myself a happy person. I love life and people and it makes me happy just to "be". Sometimes I find myself just grinning wildly -- for no apparent reason.
But other times, I don't feel that joy. I want to, but it eludes me. What I feel instead is a need to get to the shower and have a long, deep cry. Sometimes my schedule affords that luxury and oftentimes the weeping is cathartic. Getting those sad emotions out makes room for happy ones. Other times, though, there is no opportunity to escape to solitude and cry it out. And, sometimes, even when I can make it to the shower alone and sob, the release of emotion does not erase the despondency. It seems to fuel it instead.
I have discovered through the years that I am neither insane nor alone in my fight for joy. From talking with my friends to reading the stories of some giants in the faith to digging into the Psalms, I find that most everybody has to do this same battle. Some find more victory than others. Over the next few posts, I will share some things that I have found helpful, in case you find yourself waging war against melancholy moods.
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First of all, check out the physical. We must always remember that we are made up of a soul, a spirit, and a body. And the three are interconnected. Sickness and especially fatigue take their toll not only on our bodies but also our souls (which are our minds, emotions, and our will) and our spirits. When we were in the "little ones = little sleep" stages, my husband coined a phrase -- "sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap". Amen. I have a tendency to assume I have superhuman capabilities and can therefore defy the laws of nature that govern sleep and productivity. In other words, I often push myself too far beyond my physical...and emotional...capacity. So, when I find myself pushing back tears and wanting to be by myself, I have learned to first ask - am I tired? Do I need to adjust my schedule and get some rest? Now, I can hear some of you saying - "that would be nice but I can't. I have too much to do". Yeah, been there. Said that. And got convicted. None of us has too much to do if we do what God has called us to. Where we get into trouble is when we start doing things God hasn't called us to do. I don't need to make a list for you - the Holy Spirit will do that on His own. Just ask Him.
The Loneliness Epidemic - part 2
Last post we began looking at the problem of loneliness, actually the epidemic. This issue is indeed pervasive but we only have to look inside our own hearts to see how painful it is. In spite of more ways than ever to connect with other people, individuals seem to feel less and less so.
We looked at some things that contribute to the problem: maybe it's more that we are just more willing than ever before to admit it but studies reveal that the loneliness problem is steadily worsening. Things such as busy lives, transience of people, technology, social media and perhaps even unrealistic expectations have helped to create a culture where everybody is together but feeling alone.
It's not enough to examine the problem - I want us to offer some help.
And that's exactly what I got when I solicited input from you all. What follows are some suggestions from readers, from my own experience, and from some "experts" (which probably just means "folks that get paid to offer advice"!)
Let's begin with this - God designed us for relationship.
Relationship with Him, first of all, but also with one another. It is good and wise and desirable that we experience "community" with others. One of my favorite New Testament words describes this very thing: "koinonia"- fellowship, sharing, participating together. It's God's gift to His people, an avenue of blessing us...and of transforming us.
SO, while it is right to desire and to pursue relationship with others, there are some things to keep in mind. Hopefully these tips will help us combat the problem of loneliness not only in our own lives but also in the lives of others. Read on...
1. Guard against unrealistic expectations. No one human can meet all the emotional needs of another. Not even a spouse! (That doesn't mean we need more than one spouse !!!) Sometimes loneliness sets in because we expect more from people than they are equipped to give - that leaves us disappointed and sad. Look to God as the primary filler of your soul, the foremost source of joy and the only constant comfort. Only after He is in His rightful place in our lives, are we suited to look to others to fill our relational cup. One reader shared that loneliness comes when we are looking for worldly acceptance. Great point. Don't expect the world to meet our need to be accepted and known. Not only should we be careful not to hope that ordinary humans can meet our DIVINE needs, we should also not place all our human needs on the back of just one person. It's healthy to have 2-3 close friends, not just one. (Even if hubby is your BFF like mine is, don't expect him to think, react, and understand like a girl - we need good girlfriends in our lives!)
2. On that same note, think of friendships as flowers - some will be annuals and some will be perennials but all can serve to bring beauty to our lives. Accept that not every relationship will last as long as you want it to. For a variety of reasons, things change. Some people are in our lives forever and that is a great blessing. Others, though, are only there for a season. Those can still be beautiful blessings, too! It's not only daffodils and roses that enhance our yards so let's not allow fear of disappointment prevent us from experiencing some of those beautiful marigolds and zinnias!!
3. Speak out loud the words "I am lonely" or sad or anxious, etc. One reader shared how powerful it is to voice these words, particularly to another person, but even just aloud to the air. This serves to diffuse the undesirable state of your soul. I did a little research on the subject and some experts say that verbalizing the emotions actually release chemicals that dissipate the negative feelings. So it's not merely a psychological impact but actually a physiological one as well! I think maybe it has a connection to the humility principle - when we are willing to admit our need, God rushes to our aid, opposing the proud (those unwilling to admit need) but giving grace to the humble!
4. Take regular (and prolonged) breaks from social media. We established in the last post how social media can contribute to the loneliness epidemic - it creates a false sense of reality, it compounds the problem of comparison, and it prevents authentic human connection. SO take a break from it! At least a day a week. And maybe every so often, take off a month or two...or three... This is not only healthy for us as adults but it is a critical example for our kids. Get off Facebook for a while!
5.Wives - encourage your hubby to pursue male friendships! He needs this desperately but oftentimes good husbands are hesitant to take time away from family to do guy stuff. Because they feel guilty. Do not require/demand his constant attention and availability. Let him feel free and affirmed to not be home helping you! This will actually help you more in the long run. Let your man be a man, not a "male girlfriend". (And if you are reading this and rolling your eyes because you have a hubby who is "always" gone, take this up with the Only One who can bring about change. In the meantime, read the article mentioned in the last post about men and friendships and rest assured that you are contributing to your hubby's good health!)
6. Meet the needs of others. When those feelings of loneliness begin to overtake you, remind yourself that you are not the only one. Somebody else is feeling lonely too. You can solve two problems with one action if you reach out to someone else. Visit a widow. Or a nursing home. Take a meal to a mom with several littles (this probably will earn you a friend for a lifetime!). Ask God to open your eyes and your heart to someone else and watch what He does for you!
7. Don't waste your loneliness. Believe it or not, being lonely can bring about some good things. In the relational desert of loneliness, we can find the deepest intimacy with our Father. Being still - and alone - is the way we can get to know Him.Immerse yourself in His Word , especially the Psalms. There are such treasures in there, such comfort and healing and wisdom. It is very encouraging to learn that spiritual giants of the Old Testament wrestled with loneliness! And in the Psalms, we see how they leaned into God as their refuge. We can learn to do that, too He can use our loneliness as a catalyst for transformation in our lives, developing depth and wisdom and tearing us away from self-centered living. If you are battling loneliness, let it be God's instrument for good. In our lives and into the lives of others.
8. Ask God. More than one reader testified to the willingness and ability of God to supply what we need. In everything...including the need for a friend. Ask Him to send you a friend...and to send you to be one to someone else.
If you have more suggestions to add, I'd love to hear from you. Let’s fight this epidemic one heart at a time!
The Loneliness Epidemic
Probably everyone reading this has said or thought at least once "I feel lonely". Many, many, many people have felt that way more times than can be counted. And it's not always easy to detect in others - oftentimes the people we least expect to feel lonely (because they have lots of FB friends, seem to be happy, and are very busy) are actually very lonely inside.
The amazing thing to note is that, in spite of the fact that most, if not all, people experience loneliness, when we feel lonely we feel like we are the only one. It's like everybody is feeling alone together! It really is pervasive - across gender lines, social roles, economic classes and spiritual beliefs. There are lots and lots and lots of lonely people. The late Mother Teresa called it "the leprosy of the modern world". Christian counselors are calling it "an epidemic."
I hear from a lot of women that they are lonely. There seems to be a feeling of helplessness and inadequacy associated with it. I want to help. So I solicited input from you readers, did some research on my own, and compiled pages of notes on the subject. Your responses were wonderful! So very helpful - thank you!!
So let's look at it together. What is it? How does it affect us? And what can we do about it?
What is loneliness?
It's a bit awkward to "define" loneliness because I think we all know in our gut what loneliness is...all too personally...but let's begin there and move forward - Loneliness refers to the sadness of feeling unknown and unaccepted. These sad feelings can develop into and/or include anxiety, fears, and depression. Loneliness crosses all lines of gender, social roles, economic classes, and ages. Indeed, it is pervasive.
Ironically,this sadness usually causes us to withdraw even more, which of course results in further isolation, preventing new potential relational bonds from forming and even weakening existing ones. More loneliness results. It is exacerbating. And it appears that epidemic is getting worse. Or maybe it's that we are more prone to admit it. Much research bears this out.
For example, a study by sociologist Jean Twenge, reveals that depression and loneliness (social disconnection) are reportedly higher today than even 10 years ago. Significantly so.
,https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/
Lest we think that loneliness is a "teen thing" or a "woman thing", check out this article in The Boston Globe to learn just how serious a threat it is to men https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2017/03/09/the-biggest-threat-facing-middle-age-men-isn-smoking-obesity-loneliness/.
And it's not just that loneliness produces psychological consequences; as this study explains, loneliness is a significant long term risk factor to physical health. In fact, one study ranks it as high as smoking in terms of impact on our bodies because our bodies respond to these feelings with increased cortisol, higher blood pressure, and weakened immune systems.
Gulp.
So, as a result of loneliness, society as a whole sees repercussions relationally (further isolation often follows feelings of loneliness), emotionally (depression and anxiety), and even physiologically (long term risk factor to health).
This is indeed a serious problem.
What causes loneliness? And, what can be done about it? My own research and you readers gave me lots of insight...
First, what are some causes of this epidemic? We can cite several contributing factors:
Busyness This is an issue for nearly everyone. In fact, we often proudly wear "busy" as a badge of honor because we think that being busy equals significance! We are sadly misguided in this perception. We have also conditioned ourselves, in this "culture of immediacy" to treat relationships like instant grits. We apparently expect meaningful relationships to develop quickly and without much effort because we live in a "microwave world". When bonds of affinity don't deliver as expected, we discard them and move on to the next "potential instant".
Transience This society is easily the most mobile and most frequently mobile in all of history. Such mobility causes us to lose the repetitive contact necessary to build relationships. Not only are we uprooting to new cities or neighborhoods, we are also experiencing social migration when we stay put. For example, people alter church attendance, change social clubs, and move in and out of activities rapidly. We have all experienced developing an enjoyable friendship with a Mom at our kids' soccer practice only to have soccer season end and the connection is lost. We have to begin again with new basketball moms! It takes a lot of time and energy and effort to maintain the relationship once circumstances move us on.
Technology - Now, don't tune me out. I am not going to bash technology! I love being able to get a message to someone while I am in a meeting instead of having to remember to make a call an hour later (foggy old brain). Using FindFriends to see if Chip made it to London instead of waiting on a phone call. FaceTime with my grands. And streaming movies on UVerse - all are absolutely wonderful uses of technology! But we must face the truth that technology allows us to be socially lazy, perhaps even to avoid relational contact. We text instead of call. We watch movies alone at home instead of going out. We google the answer instead of asking someone else. While technology offers a zillion advantages, we also need to realize that it has the potential to isolate us. Perhaps the most significant contribution to loneliness it makes is how preoccupied we are with it. If you wonder what I mean, watch a group of moms at a playground with their kids and see how many are checking their phones instead of interacting with the lives around them. The lives of their own kids as well as potential new friends.
While we are on the subject of technology...
Social Media I am not here to trash all social media. I love the fact that I can reestablish connection with my high school and college friends! I love that I can show pictures of Betsy playing the piano or my gorgeous grandchildren just looking gorgeous (OK, brag....sorry). And I certainly love the fact that I can share my blog with you this way! But social media is not without some serious problems, not the least of which is its contribution to loneliness. Social media is honestly addictive and being preoccupied with it reduces opportunities for meaningful interaction. It also gives the illusion of connection - we assume that, because we have 1000 FB friends, we should be fulfilled relationally. Not so. Superficial connections fail to satisfy. As the number of relational bonds increase, the level of intimate bonding decreases. Meaningful relationships require significant investments of time and effort (for example - that is why we love our kids so much!) and FB does not afford that kind of opportunity. Social media is also a comparison trap. When we are idly scrolling through our newsfeed and we encounter pictures of what looks like a really fun time that didn't include us, we can not only feel disappointed...we can feel lonely. We ask ourselves why we weren't included. We question what is wrong with us. And we fall into comparing our happiness factor to our "FB Friends"- and it seems that they are winning.
Circumstances Sometimes life throws us a circumstance that contributes to our loneliness. I heard from moms of special needs kids, widows, and "single agains" that often feel left out, lonely, even excluded because their circumstances are not "mainstream". This reality breaks my heart. Like A LOT.
Unrealistic expectations - this one is hard. How much do our own unrealistic expectations actually cause us to feel lonely when they are unmet? It's hard to assess because we are designed by our Creator to need, to seek, and to desire relationships. He blesses, applauds, and urges relationships in His Word and by the example of Jesus. (Ecclesiastes 4:9 - Two are better than one and John 14:18 - I will not leave you as orphans just to mention a couple of places) In fact the very presence of Jesus on earth, leaving Heaven to become a man, to dwell among us, and to teach us how to get along, testifies to God's desire for us to have fellowship with Him...and with each other. The problem comes when our expectations of relationships exceed what God intends us to have. Such as looking to another person to fill us up to overflowing with love or to make our happiness their purpose. Or when we place unreasonable demands on another's time and attention. This only leads to disappointment, pain, and often causes the other person to pull away. More loneliness. We begin to interpret "life" through a narrow lens of "self" - what hurts me, what makes me happy, what do I need. Such self-focus makes the loneliness problem much worse. One reader suggested that the root of this is seeking worldly acceptance, trying to please ourselves, and that will always let us down! Amen!
Yes, there are many causes to this genuine epidemic. It almost feels hopeless to stand against the tidal wave, doesn't it? Our soul wants to be fully known, and fully loved. We crave this because this is how God made us. The degree to which we do not feel known and loved is the degree to which we feel lonely. Factors such as busyness, mobility, social media, life's assignments can all work against us and lure us to attempt to combat the problem with ineffective weapons.
So, what are some things that will help? Is there anything we can do to make it better?
Next time we will look at some things we can do - some practical suggestions in the battle against our own personal loneliness.