dissecting defining moments

The post from July 15 generated so much encouraging feedback, so many off-blog conversations. Good stuff. Thank you for that. Defining moments -seems like lots of you have experienced them, too. I am grateful for your sharing.

If you didn’t catch that post, you can read it here. https://www.suzannechambers.net/livingletters4/2015/03/defining-moments.html

Those subsequent conversations propelled this post. Your questions about how I turned that “defining” moment into a “directing” moment. I’ve pondered it long and want to share those thoughts here. Let’s dissect those defining moments….

When I let that hurtful experience define me, I had a hard time seeing what I was doing. I let myself be blinded by the opinions of others and that drove my behavior. And it was not a pretty drive. In my pain, I felt rejected, cast aside, and this view of myself of course affected not only how I acted but also how I viewed others. Eventually, I was able to see that moments such as my experience do not have to define us but rather should direct us to Christ.

What got me to that place? And how would I counsel someone else to “dissect” their “moments” and move them from “defining” to “directing”?

Here’s what I got…

The first thing necessary for that move was that I didn’t like the place I had spiraled into. The place of self-protection might have felt safe but it was lonely and numb. I wanted more than that. So I asked God what I needed to do to get out of that place.

He gave me lots of stuff to do! Not all at once and I don’t know that the following order is necessary for victory; He gave them to me over time and in quiet moments of solitude but I’ll give them to you in bullet points, just for ease of reading!

1. He helped me see and embrace and be grateful for the truth that He purposed “my moment” for good. Although my pain was handed to me through “friends”, I had to see that it had been filtered through His loving and sovereign hands for His divine purpose. I needed to accept that Romans 8:28 (And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose) included “my moment”. That, my friends, changes everything.

2. Forgiveness. Mark 11:25 says And whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in Heaven may forgive your transgressions. It’s quite clear, isn’t it? “ANYthing against ANYone. Quite clear and quite comprehensive. I needed to forgive my offenders. It helped me immensely to understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was OK. It most certainly was not. That not only would have been a lie,it would also have trivialized my pain. And that would not have led to healing. Forgiveness, instead, is saying “you owe me a debt but I will not require you to pay it.” “You may be as wrong as wrong can be but I will not be your judge” “ Even if you never ever ever admit you are wrong.” That, my friends, is just plain hard. Apart from the all-sufficient grace of God, I am not able to do that. But because of the grace of God at work within me, I can. I got to the place of forgiveness by praying for my offenders. At first, I wanted to pray that God would get them! But instead, He enabled me to pray that He would bless them. And eventually, my teeth weren’t even clenched when I asked His blessing on them LOL!!! Over time, He moved me from asking Him to bless them to asking for ways (and grace!!!) that I could be a blessing to them. That, my friends, is just plain supernatural!

3. As my heart began to change - and to move from numbness to feeling again - He led me into a place I had certainly not anticipated. He showed me how I got into the mess to begin with! How like God! I thought we would just chalk this up to “one for experience” and move on. I thought I would just be thankful and happy for having survived it and having moved out of the pit…but He wanted to show me how not to get there again. And to do that,He had to show me what set me up to begin with. Now, to be clear, I do not believe He was telling me that this pain was my fault nor that I deserved it nor even that my friends were not culpable for what they did. No, that was their responsibility. But my reaction to it and my vulnerability to it in the first place were all mine. So points 1 and 2 were learning to react in the way that leads to victory but now I was to learn how to avoid defeat from the beginning. And that had to do with my heart. Why was I so susceptible to their rejection? Why did being excluded hurt so badly? Because I valued their favor more than God’s! I was seeking their favor and acceptance more than His (Galatians 1:10). It may sound dramatic, but Scripture is clear, when we give more value to anyone or anything above God, that becomes our idol. And I didn’t realize I had done that until it was taken away and I was crushed. If I had not placed undue importance on those relationships, being cast aside by them would not have caused me such pain. No one but God is worthy of that esteem. Love people, yes. Value them above God - a resounding NO! That, my friends, is incredibly freeing.

4. Self-protection is not “safe” - it is selfish. In my attempt to numb my pain, I numbed my heart. I distanced myself from others because I feared they, too, would hurt me. I tried to defend that posture by telling myself I was not letting others become idols but really I was not willing to love sacrificially. Because love, real love,risks being hurt. Love does not seek its own, but rather the highest good of another. If I want to be like Jesus, I must love like He does. And that means I am willing to be wronged, to be mistreated, to be hurt. That, my friends, requires a constant connection to Him!

So, do I never struggle with residual feelings of fear of rejection or a tendency to hold people at arm’s length or a desire to be included rather than excluded? Nope, from time to time those ghosts reappear and I must confront them again. But when they do, I am able to speak the truth to myself quickly. My default reaction is not the same as when I allowed “my moment” to define me. I am much more prone to let “moments” direct, rather than define, me.

Maybe this can be of help to someone else. <3

That, my friends, is why I blog!

Stop trying to be popular

Not one single person I know wants to be unpopular. Not one. In fact, nearly all of the people I know are likeable, and well-liked. (I say "nearly" because we all know there are some grumps out there - in everybody's life!)

So is this a bad thing? Especially for Christians? Aren't we called by Christ to love others, to do good to all, to be kind and generous? And that kind of behavior makes us popular, right?

Ummmmmm maybe not.
At least that's not to be the goal. Check out what Jesus said in Luke 6;26 -
Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for in the same way their fathers treated the false prophets.

I don't like it when someone doesn't like me. It bothers me. I want to fix it. Maybe you are the same way.

Recently, I asked the Lord for some help in one of these situations and His answer surprised me. As you might imagine, it had way more to do with my own heart than that of my UNfriend.

There is alot of Truth packed into this one verse. And it pours out at different angles. Let's unpack it to see some of what God has for us in it:

1. Being popular is not something to seek or even to desire. Jesus says "woe to you when all men speak well of you" - this lets us know that being popular will bring sorrow, not joy. Woe, not blessing.

2. Jesus equates being well spoken of by everyone with the life of a false prophet. That is dangerous! Elsewhere, He tells us that false prophets devour people instead of loving them, led others to destruction instead of to Him, and are everywhere. (Matthew 7:15, 24:11,24)

3. What is it about false prophets that puts them in the Scriptural thesaurus with desiring to be well-liked? The idolizing of self.

Gulp.

When our goal is to be popular, we are actually worshipping our own SELF. And when that goal is blocked, our heart is revealed. Do we fret or get angry or even seek retaliation towards someone who mistreats us? Do we accuse them of being unlikeable themselves and even try to discredit them with others?
Do we try harder to win them over, to move them from disliking us to liking us (or at least to neutrality!)?

Or do we examine our own hearts and see what is there...

If we are being mistreated because we are living so much like Jesus that it makes someone uncomfortable, we are to rejoice. (Matthew 5:10-12)

If we are disliked by someone because there is a problem between us, we are to go to that person and make it right (Matthew 5:23,24)

If, however, we are uncomfortable because someone's lack of love for us blocks our goal of popularity, then we are our own problem. We have an idol. And that calls for repentance.

Follow the Leader

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ

1 Corinthians 11:1




A few years ago, a sweet and generous friend invited my kids and me to spend a few days with her and hers at her beach house. Being at the beach is my happy place so, of course, I leapt at the chance.
Because of an earlier commitment, I couldn't leave at the same time as my friend. In spite of my notoriety as being directionally challenged and having to depart waaaaay later than wise for the 6 hour drive, I was determined to join her. So I said yes yes yes and figured it would all work out.


Being the wise and compassionate friend that she is, she was not content to leave me to my senses. She took her husband's mobile GPS system, made sure it was programmed for their favorite route, and insisted I use it to get there.


She's a gem. For sure.


I packed up my two youngest as well as a buddy for my very youngest and set out long after dark. I don't like to drive unfamiliar routes in the dark. And especially not in the pouring rain. But I plugged that system in and focused only on its instructions. Turns out, there are several ways to reach this place. And a few tricky, unclear turns to make. But with this handy-dandy device, I was able to follow the tried and true route without mishap. I felt more confident and a lot less worried than if I had had to navigate the journey with just my instincts.


Not once did I consider it arrogant or presumptuous of my generous friend to suggest I use her pre-programmed GPS. Not once did I think of declining her offer and just winging it. Not once did I presume to be better off on my own.


Instead, I was immensely grateful and fastidious to follow it precisely.


I knew she'd been there a hundred times before and she knew the best way. Even if it wasn't easy in the dark with rain pouring and three other lives depending on my ability to stay out of the ditch, I knew I could make it if I just followed the instructions. Since I couldn't follow her car directly, I could instead follow the path she laid out for me.


She showed tremendous compassion and concern to see to it I had a path to follow.


Why, then, are we so reluctant to do the same in life? Instead of telling someone a season or so behind us "just follow me, I can help you get there", we get down in the ditch with them and agree that it's a hard place to be. In an effort to maintain humility, we parade all our failures, whine about our woes, and insist everything is just impossible. I remember as a young follower of Christ, I wanted a role model with skin on. I wanted someone that I could watch and trust enough to emulate. I didn't expect (or even want) perfection - just someone that would say - "you can imitate me because I am imitating Christ". Someone willing to be scrutinized...because they weren't afraid of what would be found. Someone willing to be examined because their reputation was of no concern - only Christ's. Someone willing to be followed because they were willing to follow The One.


I found some "someone's" like that. They didn't see themselves as worthy of emulation but they were "programmed" to reach their destination just like that GPS. And I listened to their instructions, I watched the screens of their lives, and I imitated what was there.


I am forever grateful for those people.


Granted, it's hard to be a "human GPS". We're liable to make a wrong turn or project an ETA incorrectly. And that might cause some angst to whomever is watching our screen. But just as Mike Mulligan and his steam shovel Mary Anne, in that classic children's favorite, worked harder and faster because people came to watch, maybe the same will be true of us. Maybe just knowing that someone else is imitating us, we'll be more careful to imitate Christ...instead of expecting to be excused for laziness or error or stumbles.


I still need those people in my life.


And I need to be one of those people so that someone else can follow me.


And then someone else can imitate them.


And then someone else...and then someone else...


And when we look up ahead, instead of "someone", we will see The One.


And He'll get us across that finish line.


Will you say with me,

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ

??

Defining moments

I knew from my knee jerk reaction to the email that my struggle wasn't over. That from time to time I would experience setbacks in my quest for wholeness and soul health.


I clung to the hope that, at the very least, some progress had been made.


It was a sweet email. Sent for the pure reason of encouragement.


The email wasn't the problem.


My acceptance of it was.


This dear friend, in thanking me for being a listening ear said "You are one of the kindest people I know. I am so glad we are friends".


How could that do anything but bless me?


Because deep in my soul the response came - "She doesn't really know me. If she did, she wouldn't feel that way"


Because of a defining moment from many years ago.

A moment that I let define me as "unacceptable". The term they used was "wrong chemistry". They assured me they were "speaking the truth in love", of course, but I assure you that, while the truth part may be debatable, there was not one smidgen of love that came through that day.


I must be candid and share that I've never had a problem with confidence. Graced with a completely loving family, I grew into adulthood secure and happy. I was able to navigate the letdowns and disappointments and, even failures, that a normal life experiences. Not that things were always easy nor that I was always joyful, but overall, I was characterized by others and my own estimation as happy, secure, and confident.


Until then.


I don't really know how this particular rejection undid me. But it did. And it re-defined me. The searing hot brand of their words and actions left their imprint deep into my soul.


It was a defining moment, all right.


I spiraled down into a place where the only definition of myself I could read was theirs. And since that's all I could read, that's what I believed.


Since that's what I believed, I adjusted my actions accordingly. Don't let anyone get close enough to see my unacceptability. My "wrong chemistry".


It was lonely, being at arm's length from people. But at least it felt safe.


I stayed in that place for a long time. I don't know what triggered my break from there but I do know I eventually realized that I was not defined by that moment.


That was only a distracting moment. I should not have let it become a defining moment. Rather it should instead have been a directing moment.


I learned (and am still learning to apply the truth...) that life is made of moments. Moments that distract us from the path we are on. Those can be either successes or failures. Moments of success distract us into thinking we are always going to succeed. Even that we deserve to. Moments of failure can distract us into thinking that we are always going to fail. And that we deserve to.


When moments happen, we must recognize them as just that. Moments. Distracting moments.


The problem with moments is that they tend to want to linger longer....into defining us. Defining moments that deceive us with their masquerades of success or of failure. The imposters of acceptance or of rejection. The shams of superiority or of deficiency.


Moments don't define us.


Instead, they should direct us.


When I was distracted by the assault of that rejection, I shouldn't have let it define me. Rather, I should have let it direct me into seeking truth.


What is it that truly defines me? If neither the moments of pain nor of triumph, what does?


I am defined by who loves me and whom I love.


Certainly my family. And my friends.


But even those have potential for distracting moments. That beg to be defining moments.


Rather, I am defined exclusively by Christ's love for me. Period. The only moment that has the power to define me is the moment I became His.


All other moments are just distractions. No matter if they seem good or bad. They do not define me. They just direct me into His arms. To give praise or receive comfort. To celebrate or to learn. To gain wisdom or forgiveness. Directly.